Call me WeWa, it is my handle on most forums, short for Welhelm Wassail, IV. I am a black-hat computer cracker, coding to me is easy, I see patterns, and I am so intuitive on passwords, they banned me from being around computers or even having an internet accessible mobile phone by order of the Judge.
Alas, not even my near-perfect grades could sway Her Honor as she sat on the bench and yelled at me for using the school’s library computer to divert fractional pennies of taxes to an anonymous bank account offshore in the Virgin Islands. Two-hundred bank accounts, they will never find it all.
My dad is quite angry, he can no longer telecommute and needs to leave the house to do work. His official office is a seventy-mile trip, one way. So he has rented a small space somewhere in town just for the internet.
He says a coffee shop is noisy and distracting.
Pfft. I could open a hundred accounts and flip through them in the time to drink a single mocha.
Old folks are so easy to distract.
So they punish me! No friends over, I am grounded until the end of the school year, then I have to work for my mom’s office as a file clerk.
Their company is still in the stone age. They even still use DOS!
So they leave me home today, Sunday. I have the back yard to mow, the dog to wash and dishes to put away.
While they go to an afternoon of wine tasting with some friends. This totally sucks, I have to stay home while they have fun!
So I wash Randall, a curly coated labrador and my only friend, he has no mean bone in his body. My friend Richard, his dog is a big Airedale that is frightening just by smiling, and that dog SMILES.
Rich’s dog is all teeth when he pulls those lips back, and he is not mean. Randall? He looks like he is smiling all the time. The only animals he chases are the birds that try to get his food out of the bowl.
I scrub him and he is all excited about being in the water, he is not so keen on the tile of the shower, but he jumps around, trying to escape and I am as wet as he is.
At least there is no wet dog smell, the shampoo that mom bought is a kind of cinnamon scent. So it’s not bad. I liked the eucalyptus one best they had before.
So, I change clothes and leave Randall in the house to go outside to mow the back yard, by the time I get to the second pass, Randall has banged the screen door open and is rolling in the fresh-cut grass, right were I went with the mower.
God hates me, too! Dogs, God, Mom, Dad, Judge Judy Justice, no one has a bit of care that I can do so much with a keyboard.
Except the military dude that talked with my dad and handed him a card. That scares the urine out of me.
By the time I got finished mowing the lawn, Randall is running around the yard as fast as those legs can go, he can do at least THIRTY! For a lab, he is fast.
He is really funny, running and rolling. I try to chase him a few times, but that dog can change direction faster than the blink of an eye, it is humanly impossible to catch him.
So, chase time is over, and Randall is still making laps, I need to get the lawn watered and go inside to wash my wet clothes and the sweaty ones I have on.
I set the sprinkler and turn on the water, looking around the side of the house and Randall is racing around in the water. (I did mention that he is a labrador? A curly coated one at that, he LURVES the water.)
I walk back, the sliding screen door is standing open where he got out and did not put it back ( I need to train him on that one, still).
THEN! Randall sees me coming and grabs up the hose with the sprinkler!
NO! NO NO! Bad DOG!
He is running around with it and I can’t catch him. I’m not even sure Carl Lewis could, even if he drank a quadruple espresso and ate two snickers bars.
So, I have yelled at the dumb dog and what does he do?
He runs INTO the house!
WITH THE SPRINKLER!
I grab up the hose and try to drag it back out. Randall now thinks it’s a game of tug-o-war.
NOOO! Water is running, sprinkler is spraying, I weigh a buck-and-a-half, Randall is a buck-twenty.
In my animal husbandry class in sophomore year, I remember the teacher saying dogs are like three times stronger than people.
It takes a long time for me to yank the hose out of his mouth.
I’m a smart kid, really I am. But WHY did I not just kink the hose or turn it back off?
I don’t know. My only defense, I panicked.
The clean up of the house took me so long, my whole body ached. Mom came home and I had reruns of “Twilight Zone” on the cable channel that does marathons of different series’.
It was all I could watch, my mind was numb, my fingers were numb, my back hurt, my feet hurt, my clothes were all in the wash, or the dryer.
Dad commented that the house looked good, I was busy.
Yeah, and dad? I used your shop-vac to dry the sofa, too.
Mom told me to get off my lazy butt and fold my laundry and put it away. It was so not fair, I could hardly stand up.
But then, she also said the house looked and smelled good.
Oh! And Randall? He didn’t come out of the dog house for three days after I yelled at him.
It ain’t easy being me.